I forgot about this blog. I needed a space to write today, and here it is, ready made. I wish I'd been using this for the past several months.
So Chris and I are separated. And I view that as a good thing. But even though I'm glad we're separated for now, I feel like I'm in purgatory, a hellish waiting period that will last for an unknown amount of time with an unknown result. If things were simple, I'd say I want to be divorced, and he wants us to be back together. But things are not simple. The truth is, I actually want us to be back together too, but I don't want it to be like it always has been. And I'm 99% convinced that what I really want can't happen.
What I really want is to live with a partner who converses easily with me. I want mutual trust and respect, not alternating admiration and invalidation. I want someone who pulls their share of the workload with the kids and with the house, who shares my vision of a clean an organized home and helps the vision come to fruition. I want to desire physical affection, instead of feeling repulsed by it but duty-bound to allow it. I want someone who delights in deep conversation about a variety of topics and never tires of discussing things - real things - with me. I want differences to be resolved with respect and mutual effort. I want to feel safe with my partner, instead of panicky and miserable and trapped. In short, I want a connected relationship built on mutual, successful efforts at keeping ourselves, each other, and our family happy.
I wish I could have that with Chris, but I don't think I can. I haven't been able to talk to him freely in years, because I have been berated, belittled, and made to feel crazy. I don't trust him and he probably doesn't trust me. I'm tired of being told I'm beautiful in one breath, and in the next being told that it's unreasonable for me to feel [insert "negative" emotion here] because [insert named experience] didn't really happen. I have done the lion's share of the household work for the entirety of the marriage. He doesn't even know how to clean or organize. He says I'm not obligated to give him physical affection, but when he asks for it over and over I feel like he expects me to say yes. I am tired of his "how was your day?" followed by my "fine, yours?" ending with his "you complain I don't talk with you but then you refuse to connect when I try!" Differences get swept under the rug or else result in shouting matches to see who can hurt the other person the most. It takes me hours to calm down after we talk and I struggle to keep my anxiety at bay on days I see him. I don't think a happy family is in our future. I don't think it can be.
So why don't I just let it go? Why don't I just hurry up and file for divorce? Why don't I tell him "no, don't call me, and I don't want to go on dates with you, and please just stay connected with me insofar as we need to to successfully co-parent?"
Am I stupid? Am I hopeful? Am I just unable to give up on my mental picture of what marriage to him would be like (but never was)?
I don't know. But I feel like I'm harming myself, and him, by holding out for something I don't really believe is possible. And I resent myself for that.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Spousal Neglect?
Do I have a case for spousal neglect?
I am wondering, because I don't feel cherished by my spouse. Actually, I barely feel acknowledged most days. I'm way at the bottom of his priorities. Definitely below work, definitely below sleep, definitely below video games, probably below kids. I'm glad he plays with the kids. I'm glad if I leave there's a good chance they'll still have a father in their lives.
This week has been hard particularly because it's always hard when I'm home. It's the end of December and I have two weeks off work (because I work at a school). Being home reminds me how little contact I actually have with him. He's worked from home most days this week. Monday, he woke up in the middle of the night and started working. He had got 4 hours in before I even woke up. Stupid me, I was excited when he told me. I thought that meant he'd finish in another four hours and then celebrate my first day of break with me. No. He meant he'd say he was going to return the rotten potatoes to Sam's Club for his lunch break, but actually forget the potatoes, buy lunch at Sam's (we had food here...so why?), get the three things I asked him to pick up (diapers, rice, and chicken) and then play Pokemon Go for two hours. I expressed my disappointment when he got home, explaining I had hope he would have time for us today. He was like what? I planned to sleep! I need to sleep. I said, well, maybe after you took a nap though. It didn't matter, because he worked till like 5:30 (his normal time to get off), then wasn't tired, and ignored me the rest of the night. I think he played more Pokemon Go. I don't remember. This whole week is a blur of me imagining he'll talk to me, see me, look at me...and then being disappointed.
On Tuesday night (after another disappointment), I tried really hard to express how sad I was that I wasn't seeing him at all on my break without screaming. It was really late though. He said "oh, well you just needed to tell me! Of course I can make time to see you, I just needed to know that's what you wanted." I'm not sure how marrying him doesn't qualify as saying "hey, I'd like to see you every day for the rest of my life," but whatever. I set myself up again. And was disappointed again.
Wednesday, he promised he'd try to get off earlier. He got off at the same time as usual, around 5:30. He came up wondering if we could play a game. I thought that sounded nice, but needed to make dinner, so I told him when it would be ready and asked him to bring it in. He ended up caring for the kids while I cooked, and the game lay abandoned. We ate. Then a Jigglypuff appeared in his notifications and he asked if he could take Molly and go get it. I said Molly needed to go to bed, and he should just go and hurry back. He asked again to take one kid, and I said no, just go. I was pissed obviously, because he had promised to try harder that day but JIGGLYPUFF. So I told him, just GO. Next time I called his name he was gone, he didn't even say bye. Whatever. I put the kids to bed by myself. He came home at like 11pm, and wrapped presents with me. "Isn't this nice? I'm not neglecting you, I'm doing something with you." Oh, yes, this is nice, I love staying up all night wrapping presents while you whine and ask why we don't have more bags. Whatever.
Today is Thursday. My kids threw up, peed, pooped, all of the bodily functions all over. It was a lot. When Chris got off work (at 5:30) he said he hadn't eaten lunch and was looking forward to our traditional Thursday night pizza night. I said I wouldn't bring Roger to a buffet when he was throwing up and so sick. He could go if he wanted. Instead he suggested Costco Pizza - said he'd pick it up. Asked me to call it in, because he's...incapable. Whatever. So I called it in and texted him it's be ready between 6:20 and 6:30. He had left at 6:00. At 6:40 I called and at 7:00 I texted and at 7:30 I gave up on him ever responding. At 7:50 he finally came home with cold pizza. Costco is like 15 minutes from our house. I screamed at him when he came home. I don't like cold food, he knows I don't. I regret asking him to do anything. I regret marrying him. I hate him. He had his sim card in my broken phone and couldn't receive my calls or texts but that doesn't mean he should take 2 hours to pick up pizza. Now he wants me to go watch a movie because he's "sorry." But he's said sorry every night, and done the same thing to me every day.
I don't like being married to him. I'm staying because I don't want to screw up my kids' chance at an intact family, but I don't know if I can keep staying. I spend most of my evenings trying to busy myself so I don't feel neglected. And cooking us dinner, doing all our dishes, cleaning our house, paying our bills. He promises to help and then he doesn't do it for 4 days and I end up doing whatever he promised to do when it's so long overdue it's disgusting. I resent him. But I pretend and try and act like it's all fine. It isn't fine.
I am wondering, because I don't feel cherished by my spouse. Actually, I barely feel acknowledged most days. I'm way at the bottom of his priorities. Definitely below work, definitely below sleep, definitely below video games, probably below kids. I'm glad he plays with the kids. I'm glad if I leave there's a good chance they'll still have a father in their lives.
This week has been hard particularly because it's always hard when I'm home. It's the end of December and I have two weeks off work (because I work at a school). Being home reminds me how little contact I actually have with him. He's worked from home most days this week. Monday, he woke up in the middle of the night and started working. He had got 4 hours in before I even woke up. Stupid me, I was excited when he told me. I thought that meant he'd finish in another four hours and then celebrate my first day of break with me. No. He meant he'd say he was going to return the rotten potatoes to Sam's Club for his lunch break, but actually forget the potatoes, buy lunch at Sam's (we had food here...so why?), get the three things I asked him to pick up (diapers, rice, and chicken) and then play Pokemon Go for two hours. I expressed my disappointment when he got home, explaining I had hope he would have time for us today. He was like what? I planned to sleep! I need to sleep. I said, well, maybe after you took a nap though. It didn't matter, because he worked till like 5:30 (his normal time to get off), then wasn't tired, and ignored me the rest of the night. I think he played more Pokemon Go. I don't remember. This whole week is a blur of me imagining he'll talk to me, see me, look at me...and then being disappointed.
On Tuesday night (after another disappointment), I tried really hard to express how sad I was that I wasn't seeing him at all on my break without screaming. It was really late though. He said "oh, well you just needed to tell me! Of course I can make time to see you, I just needed to know that's what you wanted." I'm not sure how marrying him doesn't qualify as saying "hey, I'd like to see you every day for the rest of my life," but whatever. I set myself up again. And was disappointed again.
Wednesday, he promised he'd try to get off earlier. He got off at the same time as usual, around 5:30. He came up wondering if we could play a game. I thought that sounded nice, but needed to make dinner, so I told him when it would be ready and asked him to bring it in. He ended up caring for the kids while I cooked, and the game lay abandoned. We ate. Then a Jigglypuff appeared in his notifications and he asked if he could take Molly and go get it. I said Molly needed to go to bed, and he should just go and hurry back. He asked again to take one kid, and I said no, just go. I was pissed obviously, because he had promised to try harder that day but JIGGLYPUFF. So I told him, just GO. Next time I called his name he was gone, he didn't even say bye. Whatever. I put the kids to bed by myself. He came home at like 11pm, and wrapped presents with me. "Isn't this nice? I'm not neglecting you, I'm doing something with you." Oh, yes, this is nice, I love staying up all night wrapping presents while you whine and ask why we don't have more bags. Whatever.
Today is Thursday. My kids threw up, peed, pooped, all of the bodily functions all over. It was a lot. When Chris got off work (at 5:30) he said he hadn't eaten lunch and was looking forward to our traditional Thursday night pizza night. I said I wouldn't bring Roger to a buffet when he was throwing up and so sick. He could go if he wanted. Instead he suggested Costco Pizza - said he'd pick it up. Asked me to call it in, because he's...incapable. Whatever. So I called it in and texted him it's be ready between 6:20 and 6:30. He had left at 6:00. At 6:40 I called and at 7:00 I texted and at 7:30 I gave up on him ever responding. At 7:50 he finally came home with cold pizza. Costco is like 15 minutes from our house. I screamed at him when he came home. I don't like cold food, he knows I don't. I regret asking him to do anything. I regret marrying him. I hate him. He had his sim card in my broken phone and couldn't receive my calls or texts but that doesn't mean he should take 2 hours to pick up pizza. Now he wants me to go watch a movie because he's "sorry." But he's said sorry every night, and done the same thing to me every day.
I don't like being married to him. I'm staying because I don't want to screw up my kids' chance at an intact family, but I don't know if I can keep staying. I spend most of my evenings trying to busy myself so I don't feel neglected. And cooking us dinner, doing all our dishes, cleaning our house, paying our bills. He promises to help and then he doesn't do it for 4 days and I end up doing whatever he promised to do when it's so long overdue it's disgusting. I resent him. But I pretend and try and act like it's all fine. It isn't fine.
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