Why not pull the trigger?

I forgot about this blog. I needed a space to write today, and here it is, ready made. I wish I'd been using this for the past several months.

So Chris and I are separated. And I view that as a good thing. But even though I'm glad we're separated for now, I feel like I'm in purgatory, a hellish waiting period that will last for an unknown amount of time with an unknown result. If things were simple, I'd say I want to be divorced, and he wants us to be back together. But things are not simple. The truth is, I actually want us to be back together too, but I don't want it to be like it always has been. And I'm 99% convinced that what I really want can't happen.

What I really want is to live with a partner who converses easily with me. I want mutual trust and respect, not alternating admiration and invalidation. I want someone who pulls their share of the workload with the kids and with the house, who shares my vision of a clean an organized home and helps the vision come to fruition. I want to desire physical affection, instead of feeling repulsed by it but duty-bound to allow it. I want someone who delights in deep conversation about a variety of topics and never tires of discussing things - real things - with me. I want differences to be resolved with respect and mutual effort. I want to feel safe with my partner, instead of panicky and miserable and trapped. In short, I want a connected relationship built on mutual, successful efforts at keeping ourselves, each other, and our family happy.

I wish I could have that with Chris, but I don't think I can. I haven't been able to talk to him freely in years, because I have been berated, belittled, and made to feel crazy. I don't trust him and he probably doesn't trust me. I'm tired of being told I'm beautiful in one breath, and in the next being told that it's unreasonable for me to feel [insert "negative" emotion here] because [insert named experience] didn't really happen. I have done the lion's share of the household work for the entirety of the marriage. He doesn't even know how to clean or organize. He says I'm not obligated to give him physical affection, but when he asks for it over and over I feel like he expects me to say yes. I am tired of  his "how was your day?" followed by my "fine, yours?" ending with his "you complain I don't talk with you but then you refuse to connect when I try!" Differences get swept under the rug or else result in shouting matches to see who can hurt the other person the most. It takes me hours to calm down after we talk and I struggle to keep my anxiety at bay on days I see him. I don't think a happy family is in our future. I don't think it can be.

So why don't I just let it go? Why don't I just hurry up and file for divorce? Why don't I tell him "no, don't call me, and I don't want to go on dates with you, and please just stay connected with me insofar as we need to to successfully co-parent?"

Am I stupid? Am I hopeful? Am I just unable to give up on my mental picture of what marriage to him would be like (but never was)?

I don't know. But I feel like I'm harming myself, and him, by holding out for something I don't really believe is possible. And I resent myself for that.