Feeling broken

I feel like I'm broken, or a monster, maybe both.

My to do list is long. I look at it, and I'm pretty sure Chris would have done one or two things on it if he still lived here. It would be just a bit shorter. But I'm getting it done, pretty much. I'm keeping up better than I used to, even while my to do list is longer. Is it because I don't have to clean up after him? Is it because I'm out of school? (Probably not, I don't remember feeling significantly more productive in the summer before.) Is it because he has the kids 50% of the nights? Maybe, but I do many of the chores while the kids are here and often with the kids "helping." I think the most likely answer is, there's no one else to take the burden, and I don't have anyone to resent for not being my partner.

If I can do 100% of it now without feeling overworked, why was it so depressing then to do 90% of it? Why couldn't I just go back to being with him and doing 90% of the work and be thankful that I get a 10% break? He's on the autism spectrum and has ADHD and an insatiable dependence on video games - why can't I let him slide, and do what he wants, and make up for his slack, and be happy? Why is it that when I live with him, I can't be satisfied with less than an equal partnership? I feel like a monster for expecting him to be as capable as I am. And I feel arrogant for believing there are probably not many men equal to my capability.

I am capable. I can work full time, and be a loving parent to two children. I can do this while managing the finances, buying the groceries, cooking the meals, doing the dishes, laundry, and managing household cleanup. I can keep the floors relatively clean and the bird fed, and clean her cage occasionally. I can do all this while maintaining the yard to an acceptable, if not perfect, level. I can keep up on all these regular duties while dealing with the occasional things that come up, like car repairs, oils changes, dentist and doctor appointments, painting my room, attending weddings, repairing random things, and potty training. I do all of this while scheduling and following through with play dates and even time alone with my grown up friends at frequent intervals.

When I look at that list, it seems great. I do see the things around me that aren't getting attention. Items are scattered in the basement. My desk is cluttered. I haven't figured out what to do with the old camping bin that I replaced with a smaller one. I haven't exercised aside from doing chores in a few weeks, and practicing piano has fallen by the wayside for now. But I also look at it and think it's completely unreasonable for me to ever expect Chris, or any partner, to be equally as capable. And I hate that I can't be satisfied with an unequal partnership, because I want a partnership, and I don't believe I'll ever find one that feels equal. And again...that makes me feel arrogant.

It's not only about division of work, of course. It's also about attention and conversation and trust. I didn't feel I had enough of that in my relationship with Chris, but I also don't think I contributed my own share of it - especially towards the end. Things fell apart. I feel completely incapable of trusting him to follow through. I feel unsafe confiding in him. I don't even like it anymore when he does give me attention. Maybe I don't want to get too dependent on it and don't want to expect it when it's not coming. I know having kids contributed to this emotional mess, but other people have kids and still make things work. Why can't I?

What's wrong with me?