Tears over car repairs

I'm filling out divorce paperwork. I know a lot about my financial state right now. I know it's going to get tighter after the divorce, so I took my car in to have the tie rod end repaired that they've been bugging me about for two years. They said it would take half a day and cost about $250. Fine, good, I can do that.

They called me at 5:30, after they were meant to be closed, but were just finishing up. The lady told me that they had fixed it and it was driveable, but not safe to drive more than just to my home. She said there was a major problem with the struts that they discovered when they lifted up the car, and it would cost another $750 ish dollars to repair that, and then the back struts will need to be fixed soon. I looked up the car value today for the divorce paperwork...it's only worth about $700. I was overwhelmed. I asked if I could pick up my car and think about it. She said sure, just pay over the phone for the tie rod end and you can come get it. She put me on hold for a minute. When she came back, I was ready to pay, but I had one question.

"If you knew it had to have over $700 more repair work to be done before it was safe to drive again, why didn't you call me before fixing it? The car's only worth $700, so I will probably just have to scrap the car and get another one."

"Well actually, it's not driveable, sorry about that. It's still up on the lift and the strut has fallen off. You don't have to pay us anything yet."

"Well, can you just take it down and I'll let you know tomorrow what I want to do?"

"Sure, we can do that."

I hung up. I got ready to tell Chris I was going to have to empty our account to buy a car. I felt anxiety over losing the money we have saved for lawyers and divorce proceedings to purchase a car, but I didn't know where this string of repairs would end, and is it really worth it to pay more for repairs than a car is worth? I had my phone open to text Chris this depressing news, when my phone rang again. It was the auto shop. I felt dread, but answered. It was the owner (not the woman I had talked to).

"Hey, I wanted to tell you, the strut crumbled when we lifted it off the ground. The weight of the car was holding it down for you, so when we lifted it, it just fell off. But I wanted to do something nice for you. I wanted to just repair the strut for you, free of charge. It sucks what happened to you. You can just pay for the tie rod end like you planned. I'm going to need to keep it another day, but I'm going to put it back together for you."

I started bawling. It took me several seconds to talk through the tears.

"Thank you. You don't even know...I'm filing divorce paperwork, I didn't know what to do...my car's only worth $700, I looked it up today...I...thank you..."

"Don't cry now, you're going to make me cry."

I thanked him again, and hung up. I'm really still crying 20 minutes later. Some people are such good people.

Feeling broken

I feel like I'm broken, or a monster, maybe both.

My to do list is long. I look at it, and I'm pretty sure Chris would have done one or two things on it if he still lived here. It would be just a bit shorter. But I'm getting it done, pretty much. I'm keeping up better than I used to, even while my to do list is longer. Is it because I don't have to clean up after him? Is it because I'm out of school? (Probably not, I don't remember feeling significantly more productive in the summer before.) Is it because he has the kids 50% of the nights? Maybe, but I do many of the chores while the kids are here and often with the kids "helping." I think the most likely answer is, there's no one else to take the burden, and I don't have anyone to resent for not being my partner.

If I can do 100% of it now without feeling overworked, why was it so depressing then to do 90% of it? Why couldn't I just go back to being with him and doing 90% of the work and be thankful that I get a 10% break? He's on the autism spectrum and has ADHD and an insatiable dependence on video games - why can't I let him slide, and do what he wants, and make up for his slack, and be happy? Why is it that when I live with him, I can't be satisfied with less than an equal partnership? I feel like a monster for expecting him to be as capable as I am. And I feel arrogant for believing there are probably not many men equal to my capability.

I am capable. I can work full time, and be a loving parent to two children. I can do this while managing the finances, buying the groceries, cooking the meals, doing the dishes, laundry, and managing household cleanup. I can keep the floors relatively clean and the bird fed, and clean her cage occasionally. I can do all this while maintaining the yard to an acceptable, if not perfect, level. I can keep up on all these regular duties while dealing with the occasional things that come up, like car repairs, oils changes, dentist and doctor appointments, painting my room, attending weddings, repairing random things, and potty training. I do all of this while scheduling and following through with play dates and even time alone with my grown up friends at frequent intervals.

When I look at that list, it seems great. I do see the things around me that aren't getting attention. Items are scattered in the basement. My desk is cluttered. I haven't figured out what to do with the old camping bin that I replaced with a smaller one. I haven't exercised aside from doing chores in a few weeks, and practicing piano has fallen by the wayside for now. But I also look at it and think it's completely unreasonable for me to ever expect Chris, or any partner, to be equally as capable. And I hate that I can't be satisfied with an unequal partnership, because I want a partnership, and I don't believe I'll ever find one that feels equal. And again...that makes me feel arrogant.

It's not only about division of work, of course. It's also about attention and conversation and trust. I didn't feel I had enough of that in my relationship with Chris, but I also don't think I contributed my own share of it - especially towards the end. Things fell apart. I feel completely incapable of trusting him to follow through. I feel unsafe confiding in him. I don't even like it anymore when he does give me attention. Maybe I don't want to get too dependent on it and don't want to expect it when it's not coming. I know having kids contributed to this emotional mess, but other people have kids and still make things work. Why can't I?

What's wrong with me?

I'm ready to file

I'm done. I'm so done. I'm tired of him trying to control how I spend my time or make me feel guilty for not wanting to be with him 3+ times a week. I'm done.

I want to file.

I'm done.

I want to be done

I want out. I want my marriage to be over. I don't want to try to go back to it.

I want to be free to date other people. Not like I have people lined up or anything, I mean I may never even date again. I just want to feel like I can if I want to. I want to move past this weird time and be done.

I want to tell Chris. I am not sure how to.

Why not pull the trigger?

I forgot about this blog. I needed a space to write today, and here it is, ready made. I wish I'd been using this for the past several months.

So Chris and I are separated. And I view that as a good thing. But even though I'm glad we're separated for now, I feel like I'm in purgatory, a hellish waiting period that will last for an unknown amount of time with an unknown result. If things were simple, I'd say I want to be divorced, and he wants us to be back together. But things are not simple. The truth is, I actually want us to be back together too, but I don't want it to be like it always has been. And I'm 99% convinced that what I really want can't happen.

What I really want is to live with a partner who converses easily with me. I want mutual trust and respect, not alternating admiration and invalidation. I want someone who pulls their share of the workload with the kids and with the house, who shares my vision of a clean an organized home and helps the vision come to fruition. I want to desire physical affection, instead of feeling repulsed by it but duty-bound to allow it. I want someone who delights in deep conversation about a variety of topics and never tires of discussing things - real things - with me. I want differences to be resolved with respect and mutual effort. I want to feel safe with my partner, instead of panicky and miserable and trapped. In short, I want a connected relationship built on mutual, successful efforts at keeping ourselves, each other, and our family happy.

I wish I could have that with Chris, but I don't think I can. I haven't been able to talk to him freely in years, because I have been berated, belittled, and made to feel crazy. I don't trust him and he probably doesn't trust me. I'm tired of being told I'm beautiful in one breath, and in the next being told that it's unreasonable for me to feel [insert "negative" emotion here] because [insert named experience] didn't really happen. I have done the lion's share of the household work for the entirety of the marriage. He doesn't even know how to clean or organize. He says I'm not obligated to give him physical affection, but when he asks for it over and over I feel like he expects me to say yes. I am tired of  his "how was your day?" followed by my "fine, yours?" ending with his "you complain I don't talk with you but then you refuse to connect when I try!" Differences get swept under the rug or else result in shouting matches to see who can hurt the other person the most. It takes me hours to calm down after we talk and I struggle to keep my anxiety at bay on days I see him. I don't think a happy family is in our future. I don't think it can be.

So why don't I just let it go? Why don't I just hurry up and file for divorce? Why don't I tell him "no, don't call me, and I don't want to go on dates with you, and please just stay connected with me insofar as we need to to successfully co-parent?"

Am I stupid? Am I hopeful? Am I just unable to give up on my mental picture of what marriage to him would be like (but never was)?

I don't know. But I feel like I'm harming myself, and him, by holding out for something I don't really believe is possible. And I resent myself for that.

Spousal Neglect?

Do I have a case for spousal neglect?

I am wondering, because I don't feel cherished by my spouse. Actually, I barely feel acknowledged most days. I'm way at the bottom of his priorities. Definitely below work, definitely below sleep, definitely below video games, probably below kids. I'm glad he plays with the kids. I'm glad if I leave there's a good chance they'll still have a father in their lives.

This week has been hard particularly because it's always hard when I'm home. It's the end of December and I have two weeks off work (because I work at a school). Being home reminds me how little contact I actually have with him. He's worked from home most days this week. Monday, he woke up in the middle of the night and started working. He had got 4 hours in before I even woke up. Stupid me, I was excited when he told me. I thought that meant he'd finish in another four hours and then celebrate my first day of break with me. No. He meant he'd say he was going to return the rotten potatoes to Sam's Club for his lunch break, but actually forget the potatoes, buy lunch at Sam's (we had food here...so why?), get the three things I asked him to pick up (diapers, rice, and chicken) and  then play Pokemon Go for two hours. I expressed my disappointment when he got home, explaining I had hope he would have time for us today. He was like what? I planned to sleep! I need to sleep. I said, well, maybe after you took a nap though. It didn't matter, because he worked till like 5:30 (his normal time to get off), then wasn't tired, and ignored me the rest of the night. I think he played more Pokemon Go. I don't remember. This whole week is a blur of me imagining he'll talk to me, see me, look at me...and then being disappointed.

On Tuesday night (after another disappointment), I tried really hard to express how sad I was that I wasn't seeing him at all on my break without screaming. It was really late though. He said "oh, well you just needed to tell me! Of course I can make time to see you, I just needed to know that's what you wanted." I'm not sure how marrying him doesn't qualify as saying "hey, I'd like to see you every day for the rest of my life," but whatever. I set myself up again. And was disappointed again.

Wednesday, he promised he'd try to get off earlier. He got off at the same time as usual, around 5:30. He came up wondering if we could play a game. I thought that sounded nice, but needed to make dinner, so I told him when it would be ready and asked him to bring it in. He ended up caring for the kids while I cooked, and the game lay abandoned. We ate. Then a Jigglypuff appeared in his notifications and he asked if he could take Molly and go get it. I said Molly needed to go to bed, and he should just go and hurry back. He asked again to take one kid, and I said no, just go. I was pissed obviously, because he had promised to try harder that day but JIGGLYPUFF. So I told him, just GO. Next time I called his name he was gone, he didn't even say bye. Whatever. I put the kids to bed by myself. He came home at like 11pm, and wrapped presents with me. "Isn't this nice? I'm not neglecting you, I'm doing something with you." Oh, yes, this is nice, I love staying up all night wrapping presents while you whine and ask why we don't have more bags. Whatever.

Today is Thursday. My kids threw up, peed, pooped, all of the bodily functions all over. It was a lot. When Chris got off work (at 5:30) he said he hadn't eaten lunch and was looking forward to our traditional Thursday night pizza night. I said I wouldn't bring Roger to a buffet when he was throwing up and so sick. He could go if he wanted. Instead he suggested Costco Pizza - said he'd pick it up. Asked me to call it in, because he's...incapable. Whatever. So I called it in and texted him it's be ready between 6:20 and 6:30. He had left at 6:00. At 6:40 I called and at 7:00 I texted and at 7:30 I gave up on him ever responding. At 7:50 he finally came home with cold pizza. Costco is like 15 minutes from our house. I screamed at him when he came home. I don't like cold food, he knows I don't. I regret asking him to do anything. I regret marrying him. I hate him. He had his sim card in my broken phone and couldn't receive my calls or texts but that doesn't mean he should take 2 hours to pick up pizza. Now he wants me to go watch a movie because he's "sorry." But he's said sorry every night, and done the same thing to me every day.

I don't like being married to him. I'm staying because I don't want to screw up my kids' chance at an intact family, but I don't know if I can keep staying. I spend most of my evenings trying to busy myself so I don't feel neglected. And cooking us dinner, doing all our dishes, cleaning our house, paying our bills. He promises to help and then he doesn't do it for 4 days and I end up doing whatever he promised to do when it's so long overdue it's disgusting. I resent him. But I pretend and try and act like it's all fine. It isn't fine.