I'm filling out divorce paperwork. I know a lot about my financial state right now. I know it's going to get tighter after the divorce, so I took my car in to have the tie rod end repaired that they've been bugging me about for two years. They said it would take half a day and cost about $250. Fine, good, I can do that.
They called me at 5:30, after they were meant to be closed, but were just finishing up. The lady told me that they had fixed it and it was driveable, but not safe to drive more than just to my home. She said there was a major problem with the struts that they discovered when they lifted up the car, and it would cost another $750 ish dollars to repair that, and then the back struts will need to be fixed soon. I looked up the car value today for the divorce paperwork...it's only worth about $700. I was overwhelmed. I asked if I could pick up my car and think about it. She said sure, just pay over the phone for the tie rod end and you can come get it. She put me on hold for a minute. When she came back, I was ready to pay, but I had one question.
"If you knew it had to have over $700 more repair work to be done before it was safe to drive again, why didn't you call me before fixing it? The car's only worth $700, so I will probably just have to scrap the car and get another one."
"Well actually, it's not driveable, sorry about that. It's still up on the lift and the strut has fallen off. You don't have to pay us anything yet."
"Well, can you just take it down and I'll let you know tomorrow what I want to do?"
"Sure, we can do that."
I hung up. I got ready to tell Chris I was going to have to empty our account to buy a car. I felt anxiety over losing the money we have saved for lawyers and divorce proceedings to purchase a car, but I didn't know where this string of repairs would end, and is it really worth it to pay more for repairs than a car is worth? I had my phone open to text Chris this depressing news, when my phone rang again. It was the auto shop. I felt dread, but answered. It was the owner (not the woman I had talked to).
"Hey, I wanted to tell you, the strut crumbled when we lifted it off the ground. The weight of the car was holding it down for you, so when we lifted it, it just fell off. But I wanted to do something nice for you. I wanted to just repair the strut for you, free of charge. It sucks what happened to you. You can just pay for the tie rod end like you planned. I'm going to need to keep it another day, but I'm going to put it back together for you."
I started bawling. It took me several seconds to talk through the tears.
"Thank you. You don't even know...I'm filing divorce paperwork, I didn't know what to do...my car's only worth $700, I looked it up today...I...thank you..."
"Don't cry now, you're going to make me cry."
I thanked him again, and hung up. I'm really still crying 20 minutes later. Some people are such good people.
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Feeling broken
I feel like I'm broken, or a monster, maybe both.
My to do list is long. I look at it, and I'm pretty sure Chris would have done one or two things on it if he still lived here. It would be just a bit shorter. But I'm getting it done, pretty much. I'm keeping up better than I used to, even while my to do list is longer. Is it because I don't have to clean up after him? Is it because I'm out of school? (Probably not, I don't remember feeling significantly more productive in the summer before.) Is it because he has the kids 50% of the nights? Maybe, but I do many of the chores while the kids are here and often with the kids "helping." I think the most likely answer is, there's no one else to take the burden, and I don't have anyone to resent for not being my partner.
If I can do 100% of it now without feeling overworked, why was it so depressing then to do 90% of it? Why couldn't I just go back to being with him and doing 90% of the work and be thankful that I get a 10% break? He's on the autism spectrum and has ADHD and an insatiable dependence on video games - why can't I let him slide, and do what he wants, and make up for his slack, and be happy? Why is it that when I live with him, I can't be satisfied with less than an equal partnership? I feel like a monster for expecting him to be as capable as I am. And I feel arrogant for believing there are probably not many men equal to my capability.
I am capable. I can work full time, and be a loving parent to two children. I can do this while managing the finances, buying the groceries, cooking the meals, doing the dishes, laundry, and managing household cleanup. I can keep the floors relatively clean and the bird fed, and clean her cage occasionally. I can do all this while maintaining the yard to an acceptable, if not perfect, level. I can keep up on all these regular duties while dealing with the occasional things that come up, like car repairs, oils changes, dentist and doctor appointments, painting my room, attending weddings, repairing random things, and potty training. I do all of this while scheduling and following through with play dates and even time alone with my grown up friends at frequent intervals.
When I look at that list, it seems great. I do see the things around me that aren't getting attention. Items are scattered in the basement. My desk is cluttered. I haven't figured out what to do with the old camping bin that I replaced with a smaller one. I haven't exercised aside from doing chores in a few weeks, and practicing piano has fallen by the wayside for now. But I also look at it and think it's completely unreasonable for me to ever expect Chris, or any partner, to be equally as capable. And I hate that I can't be satisfied with an unequal partnership, because I want a partnership, and I don't believe I'll ever find one that feels equal. And again...that makes me feel arrogant.
It's not only about division of work, of course. It's also about attention and conversation and trust. I didn't feel I had enough of that in my relationship with Chris, but I also don't think I contributed my own share of it - especially towards the end. Things fell apart. I feel completely incapable of trusting him to follow through. I feel unsafe confiding in him. I don't even like it anymore when he does give me attention. Maybe I don't want to get too dependent on it and don't want to expect it when it's not coming. I know having kids contributed to this emotional mess, but other people have kids and still make things work. Why can't I?
What's wrong with me?
My to do list is long. I look at it, and I'm pretty sure Chris would have done one or two things on it if he still lived here. It would be just a bit shorter. But I'm getting it done, pretty much. I'm keeping up better than I used to, even while my to do list is longer. Is it because I don't have to clean up after him? Is it because I'm out of school? (Probably not, I don't remember feeling significantly more productive in the summer before.) Is it because he has the kids 50% of the nights? Maybe, but I do many of the chores while the kids are here and often with the kids "helping." I think the most likely answer is, there's no one else to take the burden, and I don't have anyone to resent for not being my partner.
If I can do 100% of it now without feeling overworked, why was it so depressing then to do 90% of it? Why couldn't I just go back to being with him and doing 90% of the work and be thankful that I get a 10% break? He's on the autism spectrum and has ADHD and an insatiable dependence on video games - why can't I let him slide, and do what he wants, and make up for his slack, and be happy? Why is it that when I live with him, I can't be satisfied with less than an equal partnership? I feel like a monster for expecting him to be as capable as I am. And I feel arrogant for believing there are probably not many men equal to my capability.
I am capable. I can work full time, and be a loving parent to two children. I can do this while managing the finances, buying the groceries, cooking the meals, doing the dishes, laundry, and managing household cleanup. I can keep the floors relatively clean and the bird fed, and clean her cage occasionally. I can do all this while maintaining the yard to an acceptable, if not perfect, level. I can keep up on all these regular duties while dealing with the occasional things that come up, like car repairs, oils changes, dentist and doctor appointments, painting my room, attending weddings, repairing random things, and potty training. I do all of this while scheduling and following through with play dates and even time alone with my grown up friends at frequent intervals.
When I look at that list, it seems great. I do see the things around me that aren't getting attention. Items are scattered in the basement. My desk is cluttered. I haven't figured out what to do with the old camping bin that I replaced with a smaller one. I haven't exercised aside from doing chores in a few weeks, and practicing piano has fallen by the wayside for now. But I also look at it and think it's completely unreasonable for me to ever expect Chris, or any partner, to be equally as capable. And I hate that I can't be satisfied with an unequal partnership, because I want a partnership, and I don't believe I'll ever find one that feels equal. And again...that makes me feel arrogant.
It's not only about division of work, of course. It's also about attention and conversation and trust. I didn't feel I had enough of that in my relationship with Chris, but I also don't think I contributed my own share of it - especially towards the end. Things fell apart. I feel completely incapable of trusting him to follow through. I feel unsafe confiding in him. I don't even like it anymore when he does give me attention. Maybe I don't want to get too dependent on it and don't want to expect it when it's not coming. I know having kids contributed to this emotional mess, but other people have kids and still make things work. Why can't I?
What's wrong with me?
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
I'm ready to file
I'm done. I'm so done. I'm tired of him trying to control how I spend my time or make me feel guilty for not wanting to be with him 3+ times a week. I'm done.
I want to file.
I'm done.
I want to file.
I'm done.
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